The following was written as a response to my 19 year old daughter who expressed on Facebook that she needed to change how she was conducting her life. She was asking for assistance from her family. I woke up, read what she said and wrote the following back to her:
You know you have my support 100% darling. I will not leave you and it is my ardent desire to help you become the best you you can be.
Remember, I want only two things for my children when they grow up: their happiness and their ability to obtain it. There's no magical formula for that, just honest self-evaluation and and then lots of hard work.
Only *you* have the power to get what you want for yourself, everyone else is here to help or hinder you.
Sit down, think out what you really want for your life and then tell us about it. Helpers will find ways to help you, hinderers won't. Minimize your interactions with hinderers. Lather, rinse, repeat.
All life is a game of trial and error. We make mistakes, we learn from them, we get better. We are only failures if we don't learn from our mistakes and get better.
Now I'm going to let you in on two secrets of adulthood: First, no matter who you've been or what you've done, you can *always* choose something new for yourself. You don't ever have to be who you've been.
Second, THERE IS NO END ALL BE ALL TO LIFE.
You may look at me and see how happy I am and think "she's got it all down," but then you know damn well I don't. It was just over a week ago that I cried my eyes out for hours because I made a mistake.
And what did I say about it?
"I broke it and fixed it better than it was before I broke it."
THAT'S LEARNING, THAT'S GROWTH, THAT'S LIFE. THAT is how you achieve happiness.
So please, my love, my darling daughter, go forth and break it, then learn how you broke it and fix it better than it was before.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
On Receiving Flowers
Everyone knows that women love to receive flowers, except this woman, well, sometimes, maybe...
Perhaps it started in childhood, with my mother not having a good man around, she never got flowers. I know she loved them, though.
I think more likely that it started in my teens. I was living with my father and it was around Valentine's Day, we were commenting on all the flowers that were purchased for the day and he said, "I ought to get you flowers and have them sent to school, so you know I love you." My heart began to swell with the feeling of being loved when he said, "No. Wait. That's your boyfriend's job." "But I don't have a boyfriend, Dad." "That's my point, Andrea, you need to get one."
I had explained to him many times my feelings on dating in high school. I thought the whole enterprise was stupid and pointless. I watched other girls get into relationships, swear they were in love, break up a few months later and be heartbroken, then fall in love again with some other boy. I had heard time and time again that kids were foolish and couldn't possibly fall in love. Recognizing that I was a kid, I decided I would wait until I was an adult and then date.
Fast forward a year or two, I'm now 18 and at society's prescribed adulthood age. So I start dating. I decide (because I'm still a kid) I'm in love with the second guy I date and the issue of flowers comes up one day. We've already combined finances and so I tell him to not ever buy me flowers because I think they're a waste of money...they just die within a few days. A couple days later, he gives me a rose he drew (he knew they were my favorite) as a kind of "Ha! I can still give you flowers!" And that was the end of the subject between he and I.
Fast forward another 13 years and he and I have divorced. I find myself a single adult and in the position to date again. I've realized that I *would* like to receive flowers sometimes as I see them as an expression of love. My dear, sweet daughter buys me flowers for Mother's Day. I thank her and tell her it's not the same, but I very much appreciate it (knock my parenting later). At a random later juncture, she gets me flowers again and I cry and thank her. I then tell her that I wish I had a boy who would do the same.
Fast forward another year or so. I have 3 boyfriends and not a single one has gotten me flowers. I'm not upset at any one of them, but I do sometimes wish they would think to do it.
Now we're up to last night. I'm telling Boyfriend 1 about a stalker I had and how this guy had presented me with a single long-stem rose on our second date and how I'm still irritated that the only guy who's ever gotten me flowers turned out to be a creep. BF1 says, "I'm sorry honey, I don't do flowers." I said, "Eh, whatever I don't need them, it's okay."
So then, as I'm getting ready for bed, I'm mulling this over, "Shit, chick, make up your mind! Which the fuck is it?" And then it dawns on me...I'm staring at my dresser where sits a little Darth Vader that BF1 presented to me on Valentine's Day just before he headed out of town for two weeks. And I swelled with that feeling of being loved and I realized exactly what it is that I want.
Seeing women presented with flowers is seeing them being loved. I don't actually need to receive any thing to feel loved. In fact, I make it quite clear to my men and to my family that I don't like being given things. BUT I do like being thought of. When BF1 brought me the Darth Vader he said it was to keep me company while he was out of town. It's not the thing he gave me, it's that realization that he thought of me and would miss me while he was away. And I realized he has given me flowers. Because he's done for me exactly what flowers mean to me. And then, in thinking on it, all of my boyfriends have given me flowers. Those random little texts in the middle of the day, to tell me they miss me or they're thinking of me...I get flowers ALL THE TIME.
So, to my men and to my family: I love you and thank you for all the flowers you've given me. I realize now that what I wanted so desperately I already had and just had to pull my head outta my ass to see it.
Perhaps it started in childhood, with my mother not having a good man around, she never got flowers. I know she loved them, though.
I think more likely that it started in my teens. I was living with my father and it was around Valentine's Day, we were commenting on all the flowers that were purchased for the day and he said, "I ought to get you flowers and have them sent to school, so you know I love you." My heart began to swell with the feeling of being loved when he said, "No. Wait. That's your boyfriend's job." "But I don't have a boyfriend, Dad." "That's my point, Andrea, you need to get one."
I had explained to him many times my feelings on dating in high school. I thought the whole enterprise was stupid and pointless. I watched other girls get into relationships, swear they were in love, break up a few months later and be heartbroken, then fall in love again with some other boy. I had heard time and time again that kids were foolish and couldn't possibly fall in love. Recognizing that I was a kid, I decided I would wait until I was an adult and then date.
Fast forward a year or two, I'm now 18 and at society's prescribed adulthood age. So I start dating. I decide (because I'm still a kid) I'm in love with the second guy I date and the issue of flowers comes up one day. We've already combined finances and so I tell him to not ever buy me flowers because I think they're a waste of money...they just die within a few days. A couple days later, he gives me a rose he drew (he knew they were my favorite) as a kind of "Ha! I can still give you flowers!" And that was the end of the subject between he and I.
Fast forward another 13 years and he and I have divorced. I find myself a single adult and in the position to date again. I've realized that I *would* like to receive flowers sometimes as I see them as an expression of love. My dear, sweet daughter buys me flowers for Mother's Day. I thank her and tell her it's not the same, but I very much appreciate it (knock my parenting later). At a random later juncture, she gets me flowers again and I cry and thank her. I then tell her that I wish I had a boy who would do the same.
Fast forward another year or so. I have 3 boyfriends and not a single one has gotten me flowers. I'm not upset at any one of them, but I do sometimes wish they would think to do it.
Now we're up to last night. I'm telling Boyfriend 1 about a stalker I had and how this guy had presented me with a single long-stem rose on our second date and how I'm still irritated that the only guy who's ever gotten me flowers turned out to be a creep. BF1 says, "I'm sorry honey, I don't do flowers." I said, "Eh, whatever I don't need them, it's okay."
So then, as I'm getting ready for bed, I'm mulling this over, "Shit, chick, make up your mind! Which the fuck is it?" And then it dawns on me...I'm staring at my dresser where sits a little Darth Vader that BF1 presented to me on Valentine's Day just before he headed out of town for two weeks. And I swelled with that feeling of being loved and I realized exactly what it is that I want.
Seeing women presented with flowers is seeing them being loved. I don't actually need to receive any thing to feel loved. In fact, I make it quite clear to my men and to my family that I don't like being given things. BUT I do like being thought of. When BF1 brought me the Darth Vader he said it was to keep me company while he was out of town. It's not the thing he gave me, it's that realization that he thought of me and would miss me while he was away. And I realized he has given me flowers. Because he's done for me exactly what flowers mean to me. And then, in thinking on it, all of my boyfriends have given me flowers. Those random little texts in the middle of the day, to tell me they miss me or they're thinking of me...I get flowers ALL THE TIME.
So, to my men and to my family: I love you and thank you for all the flowers you've given me. I realize now that what I wanted so desperately I already had and just had to pull my head outta my ass to see it.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
To have more...
What if we all quit taking more than we really need?
I saw the movie "The Book of Eli" with Denzel Washington this year. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Without giving spoilers, I will say that the movie is set in a post-apocalyptic future. In one scene, someone asks Denzel Washington, "What was it like before?" His response (not verbatim) is, "Before? Well, people had more than they needed. They threw away things that people would kill for now."
Is that not the perfect description of how we, at least in developed countries, live? We take more than we need and throw away things that others literally die without. So many of us, no matter where we fall on the political spectrum, can see that our behavior is not good for the earth. Whether or not we believe in Global Warming, whether or not we believe Global Warming is man made, we know that our actions at present are unsustainable. We know that at some point in the future our trajectory will lead to certain doom.
Take a look around your house, just what you can see from where you sit. How much do you see that you rarely (if ever) use? Why do you have it? I mean sure, maybe you use x item every Christmas or y item every time there's snow in July. Wouldn't it be more sustainable to just borrow x and y when you need them? I mean, how revolutionary would it be to borrow/rent Holiday decorations rather than buying them, paying for the storage containers to hold them year round, then on top of that, paying for extra square footage in your dwelling to store those?
Look at all the gadgets and dishes in your kitchen. Do you use all of them on a daily (or even weekly or monthly) basis? Why do you have them? Have you ever used them? Could you live without them? Is it possible to keep only what you use regularly and borrow from someone else on the other occasions? Take stock of all of the goods in your house. How much lingers in every room, every closet, every nook and cranny that you don't use?
Now don't misinterpret me. I am not in any way suggesting that any of us live without what we truly need (food, clothes, shelter), nor am I even suggesting that we live without what we want. My family each owns their own laptop. We don't need them, but to get along in today's society, it is extremely handy for us each to have one. What would be wasteful of us is to replace them any more frequently than when they are no longer serviceable. Do you remember the days when people drove cars until they could no longer be driven?
Even in clothing we each have more than we need. I had a small child visiting in my home today. During a conversation about people conquering people since the dawn of man, she asked why people could do that when, "It's so mean!" I said, "Because people tend to feel like they never have enough. They conquer other groups in order to take more." This led us down a path of, "How much does a person really need?" Another child suggested that all we really need is two sets of clothes: one set to wear while we wash the other set.
She made an excellent point. Even my minimalist family has eight sets of clothes each: One for each day of the week and one to wear on wash day. I'm comfortable with the amount of clothes my family presently has and don't see the need to step it down another level. But what else could we reduce?
The biggest question here is, "What would the world look like if, right now, everyone decided to stop taking more than they need?"
I saw the movie "The Book of Eli" with Denzel Washington this year. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Without giving spoilers, I will say that the movie is set in a post-apocalyptic future. In one scene, someone asks Denzel Washington, "What was it like before?" His response (not verbatim) is, "Before? Well, people had more than they needed. They threw away things that people would kill for now."
Is that not the perfect description of how we, at least in developed countries, live? We take more than we need and throw away things that others literally die without. So many of us, no matter where we fall on the political spectrum, can see that our behavior is not good for the earth. Whether or not we believe in Global Warming, whether or not we believe Global Warming is man made, we know that our actions at present are unsustainable. We know that at some point in the future our trajectory will lead to certain doom.
Take a look around your house, just what you can see from where you sit. How much do you see that you rarely (if ever) use? Why do you have it? I mean sure, maybe you use x item every Christmas or y item every time there's snow in July. Wouldn't it be more sustainable to just borrow x and y when you need them? I mean, how revolutionary would it be to borrow/rent Holiday decorations rather than buying them, paying for the storage containers to hold them year round, then on top of that, paying for extra square footage in your dwelling to store those?
Look at all the gadgets and dishes in your kitchen. Do you use all of them on a daily (or even weekly or monthly) basis? Why do you have them? Have you ever used them? Could you live without them? Is it possible to keep only what you use regularly and borrow from someone else on the other occasions? Take stock of all of the goods in your house. How much lingers in every room, every closet, every nook and cranny that you don't use?
Now don't misinterpret me. I am not in any way suggesting that any of us live without what we truly need (food, clothes, shelter), nor am I even suggesting that we live without what we want. My family each owns their own laptop. We don't need them, but to get along in today's society, it is extremely handy for us each to have one. What would be wasteful of us is to replace them any more frequently than when they are no longer serviceable. Do you remember the days when people drove cars until they could no longer be driven?
Even in clothing we each have more than we need. I had a small child visiting in my home today. During a conversation about people conquering people since the dawn of man, she asked why people could do that when, "It's so mean!" I said, "Because people tend to feel like they never have enough. They conquer other groups in order to take more." This led us down a path of, "How much does a person really need?" Another child suggested that all we really need is two sets of clothes: one set to wear while we wash the other set.
She made an excellent point. Even my minimalist family has eight sets of clothes each: One for each day of the week and one to wear on wash day. I'm comfortable with the amount of clothes my family presently has and don't see the need to step it down another level. But what else could we reduce?
The biggest question here is, "What would the world look like if, right now, everyone decided to stop taking more than they need?"
Monday, March 8, 2010
On the road again...
Woohoo! The Dharma family has hit the road...
We left on March 8th and headed for Sarasota, Florida. It took us a couple days to get to Florida and we apparently brought the Texas rain storms with us. Some where around Tallahassee we discovered that one of our vents has a leaky seal, but that's okay, it only leaks in if we're not level. We'll get it replaced soon, but we're parked for now somewhere level, so we're not worried at the moment.
We came pretty directly to Sarasota to visit with an awesome unschooling family who lives in the area. We're waiting to visit Disney World until after Spring Break, so sometime the second week of April or so.
If you're somewhere in the U.S. and would like a visit from us sometime over the next year, drop us a line and let us know! After Florida, we'll be headed to North Carolina, and other points North.
We left on March 8th and headed for Sarasota, Florida. It took us a couple days to get to Florida and we apparently brought the Texas rain storms with us. Some where around Tallahassee we discovered that one of our vents has a leaky seal, but that's okay, it only leaks in if we're not level. We'll get it replaced soon, but we're parked for now somewhere level, so we're not worried at the moment.
We came pretty directly to Sarasota to visit with an awesome unschooling family who lives in the area. We're waiting to visit Disney World until after Spring Break, so sometime the second week of April or so.
If you're somewhere in the U.S. and would like a visit from us sometime over the next year, drop us a line and let us know! After Florida, we'll be headed to North Carolina, and other points North.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Where in the world is the Dharma Family?!
So often from people we have known for some time we hear, "Gosh, I thought you guys would have been halfway across the country by now." Well, we have been halfway across the country, several times over the last few years. In 2007, we went to TN, MI, PA, MA, NH, DC, and back home again. In 2008, we expanded a similar trip and visited OK, MN, MI, PA, NH, VT, NY, NC, and back home again. In 2009, we drove the other direction and went to NM, AZ, NV, CA, OR, WY, UT, CO, OK, and back home again (only home was in San Antonio, TX instead of Austin, TX).
Where has 2010 taken us? So far, it's taken us to CA, NV, AZ, NM, and home came with us after CA where we picked up an even better RV than we had in January. So where is home now? Home is in Austin, TX of all places! We know, you'd think with an RV in our possession we'd be halfway across the country by now. Nope. That's okay, we're taking time to spend with loved ones here in TX, so many friends we made over the 5 years we lived in Austin, it's hard to say goodbye.
March will have us moving house (literally, this time) and you can check back here to find out where in the world the Dharma Family has gone...
Where has 2010 taken us? So far, it's taken us to CA, NV, AZ, NM, and home came with us after CA where we picked up an even better RV than we had in January. So where is home now? Home is in Austin, TX of all places! We know, you'd think with an RV in our possession we'd be halfway across the country by now. Nope. That's okay, we're taking time to spend with loved ones here in TX, so many friends we made over the 5 years we lived in Austin, it's hard to say goodbye.
March will have us moving house (literally, this time) and you can check back here to find out where in the world the Dharma Family has gone...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
From dream to reality...
For those who aren't aware, for as long as I can remember I've wanted to travel the world. I recall a specific conversation with my brother when I was 12 (my brother was 17 and going off to college soon) that went something like this:
B-"So Andrea, where do you think you want to go to college?"
Me-"I'm only 12! I'm too young to think about that."
B-"Actually 12 is the age you should start thinking about it, I wish I had started planning before I got to high school, it would have made it so much easier."
Me-"Well, I don't know, I don't think I want to go straight to college after high school. I don't really like school that much and I'd like some time off so I don't burnout, you see that all the time, you know."
B-"That's silly, what will you do instead, work at McDonald's?"
Me-"No, I'll travel around the world, go see all the places I've never been."
B-"And with what money? Mom's not rich you know. Only rich kids get to do stuff like that."
Me-"Well I won't need much money, I'll just buy an RV and travel around the U.S. and then take it to Europe and travel there and Asia, then to Australia, then fly to Hawaii and see it, then maybe I'll go to college."
B-"You can't take an RV to Europe, you have to fly and it's too expensive to ship cars."
Me-"Well then, I'll sell my RV before I leave the U.S. and buy a new one in Europe. I probably won't need one for Australia, I'll just go to Sydney and look around by car."
B-"You still haven't told me where you're going to get the thousands of dollars it'll take to do all that."
Me-"I'll work while I travel, each place I go, I'll stay for a little while, long enough to really explore the area and then move on."
B-"Hmph, that's not practical, you're just dreaming."
And so I was. And I kept dreaming this dream for a long time, when I got married, I included my husband and then the kids. And for a long time I didn't think it was practical or possible. Then I started hearing about people doing it and I met a family who were just settling down in Austin, TX after having traveled for 5 years. They called themselves the Barenaked Family.
Not only did this family inspire me to live my dream, but they inspired me to cherish my children. Not to say I didn't cherish my children before, but it was an entirely different experience to look at my children and not see them as an inconvenience or people who needed to be controlled, but as individuals with their own dreams, hopes, desires, and fears.
From there, the rest was downhill. I started seeking out information and methods for self-improvement that would be in line with my values. I participated in some courses from Landmark Education that enabled me to truly let go of the past and live in the present.
Through that, I find myself with RV in hand; definite, solid plans for income to make the RV livable and then a rough idea of how to make a go of it. While you may think that "rough idea" means we're not ready, quite the opposite...I like rough ideas. I am ever-changing and adaptable. Fortunately my husband and children trust me enough to know that whatever happens, whatever I choose, their needs and wishes will be respected.
We plan to hit the road in the new year, January, to be precise.
B-"So Andrea, where do you think you want to go to college?"
Me-"I'm only 12! I'm too young to think about that."
B-"Actually 12 is the age you should start thinking about it, I wish I had started planning before I got to high school, it would have made it so much easier."
Me-"Well, I don't know, I don't think I want to go straight to college after high school. I don't really like school that much and I'd like some time off so I don't burnout, you see that all the time, you know."
B-"That's silly, what will you do instead, work at McDonald's?"
Me-"No, I'll travel around the world, go see all the places I've never been."
B-"And with what money? Mom's not rich you know. Only rich kids get to do stuff like that."
Me-"Well I won't need much money, I'll just buy an RV and travel around the U.S. and then take it to Europe and travel there and Asia, then to Australia, then fly to Hawaii and see it, then maybe I'll go to college."
B-"You can't take an RV to Europe, you have to fly and it's too expensive to ship cars."
Me-"Well then, I'll sell my RV before I leave the U.S. and buy a new one in Europe. I probably won't need one for Australia, I'll just go to Sydney and look around by car."
B-"You still haven't told me where you're going to get the thousands of dollars it'll take to do all that."
Me-"I'll work while I travel, each place I go, I'll stay for a little while, long enough to really explore the area and then move on."
B-"Hmph, that's not practical, you're just dreaming."
And so I was. And I kept dreaming this dream for a long time, when I got married, I included my husband and then the kids. And for a long time I didn't think it was practical or possible. Then I started hearing about people doing it and I met a family who were just settling down in Austin, TX after having traveled for 5 years. They called themselves the Barenaked Family.
Not only did this family inspire me to live my dream, but they inspired me to cherish my children. Not to say I didn't cherish my children before, but it was an entirely different experience to look at my children and not see them as an inconvenience or people who needed to be controlled, but as individuals with their own dreams, hopes, desires, and fears.
From there, the rest was downhill. I started seeking out information and methods for self-improvement that would be in line with my values. I participated in some courses from Landmark Education that enabled me to truly let go of the past and live in the present.
Through that, I find myself with RV in hand; definite, solid plans for income to make the RV livable and then a rough idea of how to make a go of it. While you may think that "rough idea" means we're not ready, quite the opposite...I like rough ideas. I am ever-changing and adaptable. Fortunately my husband and children trust me enough to know that whatever happens, whatever I choose, their needs and wishes will be respected.
We plan to hit the road in the new year, January, to be precise.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
And so life goes on...
So as is obvious, we've just been so busy with living life, we haven't had time to blog.
Since the last blog in August, Aurora and Karma have turned 16 and 15 respectively. Aurora ended up staying with her boyfriend's family in PA for nearly 2 months (just 5 days shy of) and she had a great time but also discovered she doesn't like being away from her family for so long.
Shane has decided the military is best for him, but not the American one. On December 15, he's flying to France to join the French Foreign Legion. He's been staying with his grandma near Amarillo since September, so the rest of us will be driving up there to visit with him and drive him to Dallas for his flight. Keep him in your thoughts for a successful journey!
Oh yes, we scaled down into our smaller place, which promptly flooded and there was mold growing everywhere and the conditions were generally unsafe, so we moved in with Andrea's mom for the time being. Rather than getting another place, we're working to just get an RV and hit the road together.
Aurora and Karma put in a lot of applications at various establishments in the local mall, only Karma has so far gotten a job, though. She works for a cheese steak place and she loves her job.
Andrea is wrapping up her final semester at the local college and will start at University (online) in January. She has decided that pursuing a Bachelor's degree will increase her chances of finding work for pay after we head to Europe, so that's what she's doing. Also, she just loves to learn. :)
Caed is working on teaching himself programming and plans to buy himself a C++ programming book after Christmas. For those who aren't aware, instead of buying each other potentially useless presents for Christmas, we distribute family money to each individual who is then able to spend it in whichever manner pleases them the most. This keeps our consumerism down and helps to ensure that we're not acquiring unnecessary goods.
That's about it folks, we'll keep you posted!!
Since the last blog in August, Aurora and Karma have turned 16 and 15 respectively. Aurora ended up staying with her boyfriend's family in PA for nearly 2 months (just 5 days shy of) and she had a great time but also discovered she doesn't like being away from her family for so long.
Shane has decided the military is best for him, but not the American one. On December 15, he's flying to France to join the French Foreign Legion. He's been staying with his grandma near Amarillo since September, so the rest of us will be driving up there to visit with him and drive him to Dallas for his flight. Keep him in your thoughts for a successful journey!
Oh yes, we scaled down into our smaller place, which promptly flooded and there was mold growing everywhere and the conditions were generally unsafe, so we moved in with Andrea's mom for the time being. Rather than getting another place, we're working to just get an RV and hit the road together.
Aurora and Karma put in a lot of applications at various establishments in the local mall, only Karma has so far gotten a job, though. She works for a cheese steak place and she loves her job.
Andrea is wrapping up her final semester at the local college and will start at University (online) in January. She has decided that pursuing a Bachelor's degree will increase her chances of finding work for pay after we head to Europe, so that's what she's doing. Also, she just loves to learn. :)
Caed is working on teaching himself programming and plans to buy himself a C++ programming book after Christmas. For those who aren't aware, instead of buying each other potentially useless presents for Christmas, we distribute family money to each individual who is then able to spend it in whichever manner pleases them the most. This keeps our consumerism down and helps to ensure that we're not acquiring unnecessary goods.
That's about it folks, we'll keep you posted!!
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