Dharma Family is on Vacation!

If you've followed this blog for any length of time...or just happen to know us...you know we LOVE to travel. More specifically, we love to travel by auto. Sure, we'll travel by train, plane, or bus, but we just really prefer the feeling of the open road. Also, we can't leave our cats at home while we go on great adventures.

So, we're at it again. What was originally going to be a 3 week trip that was going to have a few days in NYC, a few days at a conference in NH, and a few days in Niagara Falls has turned into a few weeks exploring as much of the eastern half of the country as possible. Since our conference in NH was canceled (it became too expensive for us) we decided to revel in the freedom of having no schedule for our trip. We've never had one before, so that was going to be new for us anyway. We have friends who moved from Austin to FL last year, so we've decided our first destination is to visit them.

From there, we'll be headed up the East Coast and stopping in on some of our old favorites like Washington, D.C. and Salem, MA. We do still plan to visit NYC as we've never been down into Manhattan before. After the east coast travels, we'll be headed to Niagara Falls. This one is a huge one for me because I loved Niagara Falls as a kid to the point where after we got our passports, Ro said, "Hey, Mom, you're finally taking us to Niagara Falls, which you've been saying you want to do since we came to live with you!"

5 people, 4 cats, 1 EPIC adventure!

2013 is a year to live our dreams.

Who I AM...only the strong need apply

Recent major changes to my relationships have forced me into very serious considerations of myself and my life. I was beginning to contemplate myself, where I'm going, what I'm doing, but this shock forced me to take a cold hard look at me.

Probably the biggest realization I had was over dinner the other night and this one was a slap in the face. I had--for the third time in as many years--gotten myself into a situation where I was working so hard to help someone else grow that I was not growing myself. Now, that's not AT ALL, but my growth was slowed and it was only coming in spurts, because I had so much of my energy and attention focused elsewhere. This is an easy trap for me to fall into, because who I AM is someone who helps others. Helps others to grow, to love, to see the world from a perspective that just feels good.

Let's break this down: Who I AM, who I BE, the path that I'm on, the one that feels yucky to stray from, is to change the world. To-through my love and light-show people there's a different way of living. Life doesn't have to proceed the way you were taught. It doesn't have to go the way society tells you it ought to.

It is perfectly okay to love yourself, your spouse, your children, your friends, your family, and everyone you know in a whole, complete, and unabashed manner.

It is perfectly okay to pursue whatever lights you on fire, no matter how much money you make at it and no matter what society at large thinks of you for pursuing it.

It is perfectly okay to be happy, live your life out loud, do a happy dance when something lights you up, to take joy in the little things just as much as--if not more than--the big things.

And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing there that needs to change, because that's just WHO I AM.

But. There is something that needs to change.


Because of my perspective, because I live against the societal grain, because I've always thought and seen the world this way, I've become a very strong person. One of the strongest people I know. In fact, for the longest time, I WAS the strongest person I knew, there was no one that came close by a wide margin.

Now? I know two people who are just as strong as I am. One who I'm certain is stronger. Both of these are my partners.

And this is what I've discovered needs to change. The trap I've fallen into multiple times is attempting to have as a partner someone whose strength is much less than my own. When attempting to partner with someone who is not on par with you in any aspect, tensions can arise. We're all adults here so tensions don't have to mean that a relationship is unsustainable.

But for me, the person who is strong and loves to help others; well, I tend to get myself into situations that require a lot of strength. For me, in partnerships, only the strong need apply. It's like the adage, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

This girl generates a lot of heat--so folks with fainting spells just don't belong in my kitchen.

That being said, because I am who I am: I will continue to love and assist in the growth of those who can't stand to be in my kitchen. I have many wonderful friends who for one reason or another will never be in my kitchen, but that doesn't mean that I don't love, honor, and respect who they are.

Go Break It...

The following was written as a response to my 19 year old daughter who expressed on Facebook that she needed to change how she was conducting her life. She was asking for assistance from her family. I woke up, read what she said and wrote the following back to her:

You know you have my support 100% darling. I will not leave you and it is my ardent desire to help you become the best you you can be.

Remember, I want only two things for my children when they grow up: their happiness and their ability to obtain it. There's no magical formula for that, just honest self-evaluation and and then lots of hard work.

Only *you* have the power to get what you want for yourself, everyone else is here to help or hinder you.

Sit down, think out what you really want for your life and then tell us about it. Helpers will find ways to help you, hinderers won't. Minimize your interactions with hinderers. Lather, rinse, repeat.

All life is a game of trial and error. We make mistakes, we learn from them, we get better. We are only failures if we don't learn from our mistakes and get better.

Now I'm going to let you in on two secrets of adulthood: First, no matter who you've been or what you've done, you can *always* choose something new for yourself. You don't ever have to be who you've been.

Second, THERE IS NO END ALL BE ALL TO LIFE.

You may look at me and see how happy I am and think "she's got it all down," but then you know damn well I don't. It was just over a week ago that I cried my eyes out for hours because I made a mistake.

And what did I say about it?

 "I broke it and fixed it better than it was before I broke it."

THAT'S LEARNING, THAT'S GROWTH, THAT'S LIFE. THAT is how you achieve happiness.

So please, my love, my darling daughter, go forth and break it, then learn how you broke it and fix it better than it was before.

On Receiving Flowers

Everyone knows that women love to receive flowers, except this woman, well, sometimes, maybe...

Perhaps it started in childhood, with my mother not having a good man around, she never got flowers. I know she loved them, though.

I think more likely that it started in my teens. I was living with my father and it was around Valentine's Day, we were commenting on all the flowers that were purchased for the day and he said, "I ought to get you flowers and have them sent to school, so you know I love you." My heart began to swell with the feeling of being loved when he said, "No. Wait. That's your boyfriend's job." "But I don't have a boyfriend, Dad." "That's my point, Andrea, you need to get one."

I had explained to him many times my feelings on dating in high school. I thought the whole enterprise was stupid and pointless. I watched other girls get into relationships, swear they were in love, break up a few months later and be heartbroken, then fall in love again with some other boy. I had heard time and time again that kids were foolish and couldn't possibly fall in love. Recognizing that I was a kid, I decided I would wait until I was an adult and then date.

Fast forward a year or two, I'm now 18 and at society's prescribed adulthood age. So I start dating. I decide (because I'm still a kid) I'm in love with the second guy I date and the issue of flowers comes up one day. We've already combined finances and so I tell him to not ever buy me flowers because I think they're a waste of money...they just die within a few days. A couple days later, he gives me a rose he drew (he knew they were my favorite) as a kind of "Ha! I can still give you flowers!" And that was the end of the subject between he and I.

Fast forward another 13 years and he and I have divorced. I find myself a single adult and in the position to date again. I've realized that I *would* like to receive flowers sometimes as I see them as an expression of love. My dear, sweet daughter buys me flowers for Mother's Day. I thank her and tell her it's not the same, but I very much appreciate it (knock my parenting later). At a random later juncture, she gets me flowers again and I cry and thank her. I then tell her that I wish I had a boy who would do the same.

Fast forward another year or so. I have 3 boyfriends and not a single one has gotten me flowers. I'm not upset at any one of them, but I do sometimes wish they would think to do it.

Now we're up to last night. I'm telling Boyfriend 1 about a stalker I had and how this guy had presented me with a single long-stem rose on our second date and how I'm still irritated that the only guy who's ever gotten me flowers turned out to be a creep. BF1 says, "I'm sorry honey, I don't do flowers." I said, "Eh, whatever I don't need them, it's okay."

So then, as I'm getting ready for bed, I'm mulling this over, "Shit, chick, make up your mind! Which the fuck is it?" And then it dawns on me...I'm staring at my dresser where sits a little Darth Vader that BF1 presented to me on Valentine's Day just before he headed out of town for two weeks. And I swelled with that feeling of being loved and I realized exactly what it is that I want.

Seeing women presented with flowers is seeing them being loved. I don't actually need to receive any thing to feel loved. In fact, I make it quite clear to my men and to my family that I don't like being given things. BUT I do like being thought of. When BF1 brought me the Darth Vader he said it was to keep me company while he was out of town. It's not the thing he gave me, it's that realization that he thought of me and would miss me while he was away. And I realized he has given me flowers. Because he's done for me exactly what flowers mean to me. And then, in thinking on it, all of my boyfriends have given me flowers. Those random little texts in the middle of the day, to tell me they miss me or they're thinking of me...I get flowers ALL THE TIME.

So, to my men and to my family: I love you and thank you for all the flowers you've given me. I realize now that what I wanted so desperately I already had and just had to pull my head outta my ass to see it.

To have more...

What if we all quit taking more than we really need?

I saw the movie "The Book of Eli" with Denzel Washington this year. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Without giving spoilers, I will say that the movie is set in a post-apocalyptic future. In one scene, someone asks Denzel Washington, "What was it like before?" His response (not verbatim) is, "Before? Well, people had more than they needed. They threw away things that people would kill for now."

Is that not the perfect description of how we, at least in developed countries, live? We take more than we need and throw away things that others literally die without. So many of us, no matter where we fall on the political spectrum, can see that our behavior is not good for the earth. Whether or not we believe in Global Warming, whether or not we believe Global Warming is man made, we know that our actions at present are unsustainable. We know that at some point in the future our trajectory will lead to certain doom.

Take a look around your house, just what you can see from where you sit. How much do you see that you rarely (if ever) use? Why do you have it? I mean sure, maybe you use x item every Christmas or y item every time there's snow in July. Wouldn't it be more sustainable to just borrow x and y when you need them? I mean, how revolutionary would it be to borrow/rent Holiday decorations rather than buying them, paying for the storage containers to hold them year round, then on top of that, paying for extra square footage in your dwelling to store those?

Look at all the gadgets and dishes in your kitchen. Do you use all of them on a daily (or even weekly or monthly) basis? Why do you have them? Have you ever used them? Could you live without them? Is it possible to keep only what you use regularly and borrow from someone else on the other occasions? Take stock of all of the goods in your house. How much lingers in every room, every closet, every nook and cranny that you don't use?

Now don't misinterpret me. I am not in any way suggesting that any of us live without what we truly need (food, clothes, shelter), nor am I even suggesting that we live without what we want. My family each owns their own laptop. We don't need them, but to get along in today's society, it is extremely handy for us each to have one. What would be wasteful of us is to replace them any more frequently than when they are no longer serviceable. Do you remember the days when people drove cars until they could no longer be driven?

Even in clothing we each have more than we need. I had a small child visiting in my home today. During a conversation about people conquering people since the dawn of man, she asked why people could do that when, "It's so mean!" I said, "Because people tend to feel like they never have enough. They conquer other groups in order to take more." This led us down a path of, "How much does a person really need?" Another child suggested that all we really need is two sets of clothes: one set to wear while we wash the other set.

She made an excellent point. Even my minimalist family has eight sets of clothes each: One for each day of the week and one to wear on wash day. I'm comfortable with the amount of clothes my family presently has and don't see the need to step it down another level. But what else could we reduce?

The biggest question here is, "What would the world look like if, right now, everyone decided to stop taking more than they need?"

On the road again...

Woohoo! The Dharma family has hit the road...

We left on March 8th and headed for Sarasota, Florida. It took us a couple days to get to Florida and we apparently brought the Texas rain storms with us. Some where around Tallahassee we discovered that one of our vents has a leaky seal, but that's okay, it only leaks in if we're not level. We'll get it replaced soon, but we're parked for now somewhere level, so we're not worried at the moment.

We came pretty directly to Sarasota to visit with an awesome unschooling family who lives in the area. We're waiting to visit Disney World until after Spring Break, so sometime the second week of April or so.

If you're somewhere in the U.S. and would like a visit from us sometime over the next year, drop us a line and let us know! After Florida, we'll be headed to North Carolina, and other points North.

Where in the world is the Dharma Family?!

So often from people we have known for some time we hear, "Gosh, I thought you guys would have been halfway across the country by now." Well, we have been halfway across the country, several times over the last few years. In 2007, we went to TN, MI, PA, MA, NH, DC, and back home again. In 2008, we expanded a similar trip and visited OK, MN, MI, PA, NH, VT, NY, NC, and back home again. In 2009, we drove the other direction and went to NM, AZ, NV, CA, OR, WY, UT, CO, OK, and back home again (only home was in San Antonio, TX instead of Austin, TX).

Where has 2010 taken us? So far, it's taken us to CA, NV, AZ, NM, and home came with us after CA where we picked up an even better RV than we had in January. So where is home now? Home is in Austin, TX of all places! We know, you'd think with an RV in our possession we'd be halfway across the country by now. Nope. That's okay, we're taking time to spend with loved ones here in TX, so many friends we made over the 5 years we lived in Austin, it's hard to say goodbye.

March will have us moving house (literally, this time) and you can check back here to find out where in the world the Dharma Family has gone...