Death/Rebirth

“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard Way
 
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So, I experienced a break-up recently and we had the typical conversation about remaining friends where we said we'd both like to but neither of us were sure it was possible. When I got the final e-mail telling me that no, he's not capable of being friends with me, I cried, of course. The death of a relationship always brings with it a level of mourning. The first thought that occurred to my brain when I woke up the next morning was a quote from Louis C.K.

"No happy marriage ever ended in divorce."

The same is true for any level of relationship. If the relationship were happy, truly happy, it wouldn't end. Except in death (of a person). Any other kind of death of a relationship only occurs when it is not a happy relationship. It could have been happy at one point in time, but it no longer is when it dies.

And what I realized next was my OMG moment:

Every time one of my relationships has ended, I've been propelled forward into the next stage of my life. So it's not even the death of a relationship, it's the death of a life cycle. Perhaps this is why we mourn so hard. We know we're moving from a place where we will never return in our lives and most of the time, we're not quite prepared.

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Several months ago, I was explaining to one of my partners about how hurt I get when people leave me and he asked me a simple question, "Why?" I responded, "Why, what?" He asked, "Why do you get hurt?" My initial gut reaction was "WTF? Why would I not be hurt?

For me, almost every relationship I've ever had ended was ended by the other person. People are constantly leaving me. Each time I question, "Why? What did I do? What's wrong with me?" Fortunately, this time, I'm sure it had nothing to do with me. I was clear with this person start to finish and not a single person who knows me can say, "Well, Andrea....there's this one thing you did..."

This situation and having lots of honest folks around who'd call me on my b.s. if I was mucking the stuff has caused me to realize that ALL of the people who've walked out of my life have done so because of something going on with THEM. Whether their issues had something to do with me or not, none of them have been issues with ME. What I mean by that is, there's nothing wrong with me. And there's nothing I could have done differently to prevent any of those people from choosing what they chose.

And now I realize exactly why I wouldn't be hurt. Hurt comes from the thinking there's something wrong. Hurt comes from the mourning and the lack of acceptance of the death, that the death is good and right and natural.

Now instead, I find acceptance. I find acceptance and willingness for this death of a life cycle. I have grown into a new person. This new person is tired of having relationships with people who can't stand on their own two feet or see the world clearly. Tired of fighting people's perceptions of myself and the rest of the world. These relationships cause me emotional turmoil and cause me to question my sanity. Gone are the days where this girl cries when someone leaves her. I have realized that everyone who has ever left me has abused me in one way or another. Why would I mourn the loss of that? Having that leave my life is not sad.

I also find awareness. Awareness that I am transitioning into a new being. This relationship death came while I was on vacation with my family. I was driving, as I always do on vacations and I observed after this death that I had not sped egregiously the entire trip. I made liberal use of the cruise control set at exactly 10mph over the speed limit--at the most! Anyone who knows me, knows this is an extreme change for me, ordinarily I am a speed demon. But that is not ordinary for me anymore.

Who I was as a person was lit on fire and razed to the ground. Like a phoenix, I rise from the ashes, a new bird, ready to take on the next stage of my life.

Not Moving After All

Well, a lot has happened since last we posted. Andrea's best friend decided to leave her husband for good. It was a long time coming, but as we know with receiving the gift of the children, even things you want to have happen can come as a shock to you.


We decided that instead of moving, we will help our landlord clean up the neighborhood. We've reported to him the major problem home in the neighborhood and he has promised to contact the owner and see about taking over as the manager to clean the place up. Speaking of that home, we watched a domestic dispute on the lawn (again) yesterday and our lawn care boy was arrested, yet again. It was just as well, he needed money and we had none to give, so he was coming over often.


Karma has now changed the color of her mohawk. It is a pretty purple at the moment. She's saved up some of her allowance and bought some hair glue. We'll be posting a picture of her purple, glued mohawk soon.

The kids' grandparents are visiting and taking them places soon. Andrea's mom and aunt have requested the kids from July 7th-9th and then Faith's father and step-mother are planning a visit on July 11th and 12th. The kids aren't fully aware of their trip with grandma and Aunt Peggy yet, they know something's going on but not when or where.

Most everyone has new glasses now. Sam, Aurora, Karma, and Caedmon had vision exams over the last couple of weeks. Sam and Aurora each got a new pair of glasses. Karma didn't want glasses, so the opthamologist said she could wait until next year's exam, because her prescription would be pretty light. Caedmon explained that he had glasses before, but he purposely busted them because he did not like the headaches and dizziness associated with new glasses. Taking this into account, the doctor wrote him a lighter prescription than what he really needs, in an attempt to minimize his suffering. When he gets his vision exam next year, he will get the appropriate prescription. Caed's glasses should come in this next week. Once everyone gets their new glasses, we'll take pics and put them up here.

So, that's about it for now, you know, more has happened, but there's only so much typing one can do in an individual session.