Who I AM...only the strong need apply

Recent major changes to my relationships have forced me into very serious considerations of myself and my life. I was beginning to contemplate myself, where I'm going, what I'm doing, but this shock forced me to take a cold hard look at me.

Probably the biggest realization I had was over dinner the other night and this one was a slap in the face. I had--for the third time in as many years--gotten myself into a situation where I was working so hard to help someone else grow that I was not growing myself. Now, that's not AT ALL, but my growth was slowed and it was only coming in spurts, because I had so much of my energy and attention focused elsewhere. This is an easy trap for me to fall into, because who I AM is someone who helps others. Helps others to grow, to love, to see the world from a perspective that just feels good.

Let's break this down: Who I AM, who I BE, the path that I'm on, the one that feels yucky to stray from, is to change the world. To-through my love and light-show people there's a different way of living. Life doesn't have to proceed the way you were taught. It doesn't have to go the way society tells you it ought to.

It is perfectly okay to love yourself, your spouse, your children, your friends, your family, and everyone you know in a whole, complete, and unabashed manner.

It is perfectly okay to pursue whatever lights you on fire, no matter how much money you make at it and no matter what society at large thinks of you for pursuing it.

It is perfectly okay to be happy, live your life out loud, do a happy dance when something lights you up, to take joy in the little things just as much as--if not more than--the big things.

And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing there that needs to change, because that's just WHO I AM.

But. There is something that needs to change.


Because of my perspective, because I live against the societal grain, because I've always thought and seen the world this way, I've become a very strong person. One of the strongest people I know. In fact, for the longest time, I WAS the strongest person I knew, there was no one that came close by a wide margin.

Now? I know two people who are just as strong as I am. One who I'm certain is stronger. Both of these are my partners.

And this is what I've discovered needs to change. The trap I've fallen into multiple times is attempting to have as a partner someone whose strength is much less than my own. When attempting to partner with someone who is not on par with you in any aspect, tensions can arise. We're all adults here so tensions don't have to mean that a relationship is unsustainable.

But for me, the person who is strong and loves to help others; well, I tend to get myself into situations that require a lot of strength. For me, in partnerships, only the strong need apply. It's like the adage, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

This girl generates a lot of heat--so folks with fainting spells just don't belong in my kitchen.

That being said, because I am who I am: I will continue to love and assist in the growth of those who can't stand to be in my kitchen. I have many wonderful friends who for one reason or another will never be in my kitchen, but that doesn't mean that I don't love, honor, and respect who they are.

On Receiving Flowers

Everyone knows that women love to receive flowers, except this woman, well, sometimes, maybe...

Perhaps it started in childhood, with my mother not having a good man around, she never got flowers. I know she loved them, though.

I think more likely that it started in my teens. I was living with my father and it was around Valentine's Day, we were commenting on all the flowers that were purchased for the day and he said, "I ought to get you flowers and have them sent to school, so you know I love you." My heart began to swell with the feeling of being loved when he said, "No. Wait. That's your boyfriend's job." "But I don't have a boyfriend, Dad." "That's my point, Andrea, you need to get one."

I had explained to him many times my feelings on dating in high school. I thought the whole enterprise was stupid and pointless. I watched other girls get into relationships, swear they were in love, break up a few months later and be heartbroken, then fall in love again with some other boy. I had heard time and time again that kids were foolish and couldn't possibly fall in love. Recognizing that I was a kid, I decided I would wait until I was an adult and then date.

Fast forward a year or two, I'm now 18 and at society's prescribed adulthood age. So I start dating. I decide (because I'm still a kid) I'm in love with the second guy I date and the issue of flowers comes up one day. We've already combined finances and so I tell him to not ever buy me flowers because I think they're a waste of money...they just die within a few days. A couple days later, he gives me a rose he drew (he knew they were my favorite) as a kind of "Ha! I can still give you flowers!" And that was the end of the subject between he and I.

Fast forward another 13 years and he and I have divorced. I find myself a single adult and in the position to date again. I've realized that I *would* like to receive flowers sometimes as I see them as an expression of love. My dear, sweet daughter buys me flowers for Mother's Day. I thank her and tell her it's not the same, but I very much appreciate it (knock my parenting later). At a random later juncture, she gets me flowers again and I cry and thank her. I then tell her that I wish I had a boy who would do the same.

Fast forward another year or so. I have 3 boyfriends and not a single one has gotten me flowers. I'm not upset at any one of them, but I do sometimes wish they would think to do it.

Now we're up to last night. I'm telling Boyfriend 1 about a stalker I had and how this guy had presented me with a single long-stem rose on our second date and how I'm still irritated that the only guy who's ever gotten me flowers turned out to be a creep. BF1 says, "I'm sorry honey, I don't do flowers." I said, "Eh, whatever I don't need them, it's okay."

So then, as I'm getting ready for bed, I'm mulling this over, "Shit, chick, make up your mind! Which the fuck is it?" And then it dawns on me...I'm staring at my dresser where sits a little Darth Vader that BF1 presented to me on Valentine's Day just before he headed out of town for two weeks. And I swelled with that feeling of being loved and I realized exactly what it is that I want.

Seeing women presented with flowers is seeing them being loved. I don't actually need to receive any thing to feel loved. In fact, I make it quite clear to my men and to my family that I don't like being given things. BUT I do like being thought of. When BF1 brought me the Darth Vader he said it was to keep me company while he was out of town. It's not the thing he gave me, it's that realization that he thought of me and would miss me while he was away. And I realized he has given me flowers. Because he's done for me exactly what flowers mean to me. And then, in thinking on it, all of my boyfriends have given me flowers. Those random little texts in the middle of the day, to tell me they miss me or they're thinking of me...I get flowers ALL THE TIME.

So, to my men and to my family: I love you and thank you for all the flowers you've given me. I realize now that what I wanted so desperately I already had and just had to pull my head outta my ass to see it.

You know you're having fun when...

So we finally finished the post today regarding our vacation. If you notice that the posts got less descriptive, that's because we've been back for a month now, we originally started typing the day we got home. So for those of you near the end of the vacation, no we didn't have less fun with you, it's just been longer. We're not even sure we got some events on the correct days, but oh well, you've got the picture.

So you know we're having fun when we don't finish a post for over a month. We've just been living our lives as it works for us.

Andrea's been continuing college, got C's for the two classes she took while on vacation and A's for the two classes she finished last week. Sam's been keeping up the house in Andrea's extreme absence and distraction. Shane has found a good job, met a nice girl and is moving out tomorrow. Aurora has a "boyfriend" though they're not declared yet, but she is going up to Pennsylvania to see him next month. Karma continues her work, both at her art and in her housecleaning business. Caed is 13 today and is growing like a weed. He sits between Andrea and Aurora in height at the moment, we anticipate that he may someday be the tallest person in the house.

We'll be scaling down to a smaller house soon in preparation for even smaller living quarters. We're having a huge yard sale over Labor Day weekend, so if you live near Converse, Texas, come buy some of our stuff!!

Wow

Last time we posted, we committed to posting on a weekly basis. Here now it's been just over 3 weeks without a post. So, what's going on with us?

Well, our lease was up on July 31st, but we're hanging tight until we go on vacation. We moved all of our stuff into storage today, just to have it out of the way and in case we get told that the place has rented and we need to vacate. We've hung on to a few items necessary for survival, like food and a few dishes.

Let's see, what else has happened in the last 3 plus weeks? Sam and Andrea attended another workshop, which was just plain awesome. We'll have to give details about that in person, it just can't be done justice in a blog.

Oh yes, Aurora has a boyfriend now! His name is Dakota and he's a good kid. They're 1 year and one month apart, he being the older one. That's a little more of a thrill ride for Mom and Dad than Karma and her boyfriend, because those two are perfectly shy together. Aurora and hers are a little less so. We'll keep you posted.

More recently, we got Breaking Dawn, the fourth (and final?) book in the Twilight series. So far, Mom has read it and loved it. Karma and Aurora are both reading it, but Aurora was borrowing a copy that went home with our friend, so she's now impatiently interrupted. Karma is a little less than halfway through the book and thoroughly enjoying herself. If you haven't started the series yet, we highly recommend it! Everyone but Shane has read or is reading the series.

Other things that have happened recently...For the release party of Breaking Dawn, Karma and her friend Cameron were going to dye their hair black with temporary dye. They misread the package they bought and applied a not-so-temporary hair dye to their hair while Mom and Dad slept. Needless to say, both girls have black hair and will have for quite some time.

We may not have ever mentioned it, but we received a Wii for our Birthdays this year from Andrea's Mom. We now have five or six games for it and very much enjoy playing. So much so, that we are bringing it on our vacation this year.

Oh yes, for those that we haven't announced to yet, we are taking a vacation on Sept 9th, until no later than November 11th. We will be travelling first to MN to see the Mall of America before continuing on to see Sam's family in NH in late Sept and Karma's boyfriend's family in NC in mid-October. We have no other set or solid plans, but if you would like us to drop in and see you, please let us know! If you are a certain sister-in-law with a brand-new (nearly 1 year old) son that we haven't met yet, we would love to stop and see y'all for a day or two (or more if you're up for it).

So, that's about it! Shane's b-day is this week, so we'll come back and update y'all later in the week.